Dear PR Flack,

Thanks so much for the vote of confidence. It’s been my highest ambition to be lauded as “an awesome food blogger” by someone who can’t even be bothered to type my name into a form letter. Because you’re clearly an awesome flack, I’ll say this nicely, for the second time: Please take us off your list. We do not cover financial topics, no matter how tangentially related to food.

(And seriously? “Lemme know”? Srsly?)

xoxo,
~ Us

Dear PR Flack:

Let me see if I have this straight:

  1. At 12:19pm on a Saturday afternoon, you invited me to your client’s event.
  2. I politely accepted — five minutes later — at 12:24pm.
  3. You write back, three days later, to tell me that I didn’t make the cut because I didn’t reply fast enough (what!?) and because I’m not “credentialed media” (which, in fact, I am).

Please. This is not how professional PR works. It’s not even how a second-grader’s birthday party works. How do you think being uninvited — because you wanted someone cooler to come instead — disposes me to your client’s brand?

I can’t wait to run into your clients at Tales of the Cocktail… what an interesting story I’ll have!

Cheers,
~Anita

Dear PR Flack,

Starting a pitch with an easily debunked lie is probably not the best practice.

If you really had read our blog, you’d notice the following important tidbits that could have helped you craft a successful pitch, or — more appropriately — bypass us all together.

  1. We don’t buy into to the idea of so-called “healthy” recipes that use fake foods like light cream cheese.
  2. We don’t follow a low-fat diet, and anyone who does is probably not a “follower” of our site. Even the first page of the blog makes this abundantly clear. Cheesy, buttery risotto; spreadable spicy salami; braised short ribs; foie gras; chorizo paella — do those sound like low-fat choices to you?
  3. We very clearly state on our About page: “We never use or recommend national brands when a locally made alternative exists.” And we’ve written about local [food items of this kind] on our site numerous times.

I’m sure [your agency] has some fabulous clients that we’d have been happy to hear about. But if your account reps can’t be troubled to undertake the most cursory research before sending out blanket emails, we can’t be bothered to read your spam.

Please take us off your agency’s contact list immediately.

~ Anita & Cameron

cc: agency’s regional director, client’s inside PR team

Stuff it

Dear PR Flack,

I hate to be rude, but it’s obvious that you didn’t spend a single moment targeting today’s pitch for your client’s “new convenient flavors” of CAFO torture sausage.

If you’d read even the first page of posts on our blog — or even, gosh, the About page — you’d notice that our blog focuses on sustainable, humane, local food choices. we do not eat, nor do we recommend, factory-farmed meat.

Maybe you didn’t get the message the last time I asked to be removed from from your firm’s contact list., so I’ll say it again: I have no interest in working with agencies who use spam-pitching as a substitute for actual PR work.

xoxo,
~ Anita

Moo.

Dear PR Flack,

I’m so glad you found my experiment about curing and air-drying skirt steak so deeply moving. I’m sure that eating more of my nitrate-laced raw meat will help your women lose weight during their 30-day crash diet much more efficiently. Good luck with that.

xoxo,
~ Morgan


Dear PR Flack,

Thanks for your kind suggestion that we share your pitch about the America’s Best Restroom Awards with our “online audience”.

As you might imagine, our readers are not interested in discussions of toilets, award-winning or otherwise, on our food blog.

xoxo,
~ Anita

Double FAIL

Dear PR Flack:

Ahem, you just suggested I write about pork on my vegetarian blog. Never mind that I’m Jewish.

xoxo,
~ Ari

Dear PR Flack,

Just because your client’s booze is a lurid shade of green — or, better yet, comes in a green bottle — doesn’t make it “a no-fail suggestion” for St. Patrick’s Day.

I’m sure you’re anxious to capitalize on the juggernaut, but really, let’s think about this: Cheap dyed-green beverages and drunken excess by amateurs. Is that really consistent with the brand image you’re trying to create?

If you’re not promoting Irish whiskey or Guinness, don’t bother. You look ridiculous.

xoxo,
~ The cocktail bloggers

Dear PR Flack,

Thanks for your message. My name isn’t Alex, but I’d love to see his blog since you say it’s one of your faves.

xoxo,
~ David

Dear PR flack:

What the hell does a vodka-tini have to do with St. Patrick’s Day?! Hey, howzabout a nice Negroni for Cinco de Mayo?

xoxo,
~ Michael