Dear PR Flack:

So why, exactly, would our cocktail blog readers be interested in some random chef’s new Australian-food mail-order website?

Yeah, we’re not sure, either.

xoxo,
- The Cocktailians

Dear PR Flack:

We really like your client’s product, but we must insist you stop telling us “I think your readers will appreciate…” — especially twice in the same note.

It’s lazy, smug, and bossy… not exactly the businesslike tone you’re aiming for, is it?

If we aren’t quite sure what our readers will appreciate, we’ll be sure to ask them.

xoxo,
- Us

Dear PR Flack:

Believe me, I get a LOT of random pitches, but yours has to be the absolute worst.

Perhaps it escaped your grasp on your whirlwind tour of my site: It’s a FOOD blog. Or perhaps you never bothered to do even a stitch of research before you spam-pitched me?

I have never written about golf, sports tournaments, or athletic events of any kind. Especially ones in China. I can only hope your clients are aware of your thoroughly shoddy methods, and how you are damaging their reputation.

xoxo,
- The Foodie

Dear PR Flack:

I have asked you, politely — six times since April 2008, according to my Sent Mail folder — to remove our San Francisco-based blog from your list of Pittsburgh pitches. As recently as two days ago, you apologized and said it would never happen again.

Since you can’t or won’t target your pitches appropriately, I will be marking your (multiple) email domains, and those of all your clients, as spam.

xoxo,
- Anita

Dear PR Flack:

Do not call my cell EVER! Cellphones are for “Hi, Ms. G. Your car will be there at 6.”

xoxo,
- Nichelle

Dear PR Flack:

Please don’t pitch columnists (like me) on topics we write nothing about. It’s useless and just pisses us off.

xoxo,
- Hollis

Dear PR Flack:

Don’t try to tell me how to manage my time so I can write about your client.

Also? Lose my e-mail address. kthxbai!

xoxo,
- Omar

Dear PR Flack-Boss:

Before you came to work here, I never had to make bullshit PR events/releases out of lies and nothingness. Just so you know.

xoxo,
- superbadgirl

Dear PR Flack:

An embargo on hot story is OK with lead time to prepare, but handing to me at 5pm with an 8am expiration is pointless.

xoxo,
- Julio

Dear PR Flack:

Thank you for the great laugh this morning.

You want me to pay you nearly two hundred dollars for the privilege of entering a blog-awards contest in its inaugural year with no proven track record or credibility? That’s hilarious!

xoxo,
- Carol