Dear PR Flack,

Thanks for your kind suggestion that we share your pitch about the America’s Best Restroom Awards with our “online audience”.

As you might imagine, our readers are not interested in discussions of toilets, award-winning or otherwise, on our food blog.

xoxo,
~ Anita

Dear PR Flack:

Ahem, you just suggested I write about pork on my vegetarian blog. Never mind that I’m Jewish.

xoxo,
~ Ari

Dear PR Flack,

Just because your client’s booze is a lurid shade of green — or, better yet, comes in a green bottle — doesn’t make it “a no-fail suggestion” for St. Patrick’s Day.

I’m sure you’re anxious to capitalize on the juggernaut, but really, let’s think about this: Cheap dyed-green beverages and drunken excess by amateurs. Is that really consistent with the brand image you’re trying to create?

If you’re not promoting Irish whiskey or Guinness, don’t bother. You look ridiculous.

xoxo,
~ The cocktail bloggers

Dear PR Flack,

Thanks for your message. My name isn’t Alex, but I’d love to see his blog since you say it’s one of your faves.

xoxo,
~ David

Dear PR flack:

What the hell does a vodka-tini have to do with St. Patrick’s Day?! Hey, howzabout a nice Negroni for Cinco de Mayo?

xoxo,
~ Michael

Dear PR Flack:

I’m not sure what about my blog about cooking my way through the Alinea Cookbook gave you the impression that your missive about “the most buzzed about Grill cleaning gadgets on the market” was an appropriate pitch to send me.

You may also want to consider having someone in the office proofread emails like this before they go out. The message you sent has quite a few typos and grammatical errors — things reporters and bloggers consider when determining a product’s credibility.

xoxo,
~ Carol

Dear PR Flack:

Thanks for your pitch, the one that started “Dear Friendly Blogger.”

Actually, I’m decidedly unfriendly when flaky PR people can’t be troubled to look up my name or figure out if I write about “food and/or healthy living”. It’s not hard to personalize a pitch, but I suppose that would be too much … work?

You want something from me, but yet you can’t be bothered to do the most basic research, or give the most basic courtesy? Please.

For the record, I am also not one of your “blogger friends”, nor are the dozens of people laughing at your rude spam-pitch on Twitter this morning. You need to figure out how to pitch appropriately; you’re alienating writers who might otherwise be sympathetic to your service.

Please take me off your list immediately.

xoxo,
~ Anita