Dear PR Flack,
I’m so glad you found my experiment about curing and air-drying skirt steak so deeply moving. I’m sure that eating more of my nitrate-laced raw meat will help your women lose weight during their 30-day crash diet much more efficiently. Good luck with that.
xoxo,
~ Morgan
Dear PR Flack,
Thanks for your kind suggestion that we share your pitch about the America’s Best Restroom Awards with our “online audience”.
As you might imagine, our readers are not interested in discussions of toilets, award-winning or otherwise, on our food blog.
xoxo,
~ Anita
Dear PR Flack:
Ahem, you just suggested I write about pork on my vegetarian blog. Never mind that I’m Jewish.
xoxo,
~ Ari
Dear PR Flack,
Just because your client’s booze is a lurid shade of green — or, better yet, comes in a green bottle — doesn’t make it “a no-fail suggestion” for St. Patrick’s Day.
I’m sure you’re anxious to capitalize on the juggernaut, but really, let’s think about this: Cheap dyed-green beverages and drunken excess by amateurs. Is that really consistent with the brand image you’re trying to create?
If you’re not promoting Irish whiskey or Guinness, don’t bother. You look ridiculous.
xoxo,
~ The cocktail bloggers
Dear PR flack:
What the hell does a vodka-tini have to do with St. Patrick’s Day?! Hey, howzabout a nice Negroni for Cinco de Mayo?
xoxo,
~ Michael
Dear PR Flack:
When a journalist (OK, yes, that would be moi) doesn’t show up for a scheduled conference call, did you ever think about calling to see if maybe he got the time wrong? Even those of us who are seasoned pros sometimes mangle our East Coast and West Coast time zones.
What is the possible use of waiting twenty minutes and then sending an e-mail? Not everyone’s e-mails arrive instantaneously, you know. Why would I blow off an interview I requested? You’ve wasted my time and the time of your source.
xoxo,
- Imperfect but Still Interested
Dear PR Flack:
Did you really think that comment-spamming every post you could find that mentioned your client’s competitor would really endear you to the cocktail-blogging community?
Did you think this was a good way to get the word out?
Did you think we couldn’t track that IP address to your agency?
Did you think we wouldn’t call you on it?
Did you think… AT ALL?
xoxo,
Gabriel, Darcy, Chris, Marleigh, Blair, Jon, SeanMike and Stevi
Dear PR Flack:
We’re insanely curious whether you’re actually affiliated with the brand you contacted us about — perhaps you’re an overzealous fan engaged in some sort of guerrilla campaign?
Your omigod Valley Girl syntax and loose grasp of proper style — why is “belvedere” lowercase but “Sake” capitalized? — make us wonder whether you’re legit, as does the fact that you’re contacting us from your personal Gmail account.
More head-scratchers: You claim to be “a really big fan” of our site, but don’t know our names. You claim the brand is based in San Francisco, when they’re not. And to top it all off, you’ve apparently confused us with someone who maintains a gluten-free product database. Really, you’ve outdone yourself here.
If you are indeed this company’s PR rep, you might want to reconsider this sort of unprofessional outreach. It certainly isn’t in line with the upscale branding we’re seeing elsewhere for their product.
xoxo,
- Anita & Cameron
Dear PR Flack:
Thank you SO MUCH for scraping copyrighted content from all of our blogs, and definitely thanks too for the technology lecture when we caught you at it. We’re all very well aware of “how RSS feeds are commonly used”, but legitimate content aggregators ask permission beforehand.
And frankly, this isn’t the first time we’ve caught your agency behaving badly online; you might want to pass along to your handlers that sockpuppeting and content scraping are definitely not good ways to endear your spirits clients to the drinks-blogging community.
Tell ya what: If you promise not to scrape from our sites again, we promise not to sue you. Deal?
xoxo,
- The Drink Bloggers
