Dear PR Flack:

Let me see if I have this straight:

1. At 12:19pm on a Saturday afternoon, you invited me to your client’s event.
2. I politely accepted — five minutes later — at 12:24pm.
3. You write back, three days later, to tell me that I didn’t make the cut because I didn’t reply fast enough (what!?) and because I’m not “credentialed media” (which, in fact, I am).

Please. This is not how professional PR works. It’s not even how a second-grader’s birthday party works. How do you think being uninvited — because you wanted someone cooler to come instead — disposes me to your client’s brand?

I can’t wait to run into your clients at Tales of the Cocktail… what an interesting story I’ll have!

Cheers,
~Anita

Dear PR Flack,

I hate to be rude, but it’s obvious that you didn’t spend a single moment targeting today’s pitch for your client’s “new convenient flavors” of CAFO torture sausage.

If you’d read even the first page of posts on our blog — or even, gosh, the About page — you’d notice that our blog focuses on sustainable, humane, local food choices. we do not eat, nor do we recommend, factory-farmed meat.

Maybe you didn’t get the message the last time I asked to be removed from from your firm’s contact list., so I’ll say it again: I have no interest in working with agencies who use spam-pitching as a substitute for actual PR work.

xoxo,
~ Anita

Dear PR Flack,

Just because your client’s booze is a lurid shade of green — or, better yet, comes in a green bottle — doesn’t make it “a no-fail suggestion” for St. Patrick’s Day.

I’m sure you’re anxious to capitalize on the juggernaut, but really, let’s think about this: Cheap dyed-green beverages and drunken excess by amateurs. Is that really consistent with the brand image you’re trying to create?

If you’re not promoting Irish whiskey or Guinness, don’t bother. You look ridiculous.

xoxo,
~ The cocktail bloggers

Dear PR flack:

What the hell does a vodka-tini have to do with St. Patrick’s Day?! Hey, howzabout a nice Negroni for Cinco de Mayo?

xoxo,
~ Michael

Dear PR Flack:

Thank for your note about your client’s low-carb snack foods, and your offer to send me samples. But I’m wondering why you sent it to me. I live in France, and write mostly about chocolate, bread and pastries, which I don’t think are on the South Beach Diet.

xoxo,
~ David

Dear PR Flack:

Did you really think that comment-spamming every post you could find that mentioned your client’s competitor would really endear you to the cocktail-blogging community?

Did you think this was a good way to get the word out?

Did you think we couldn’t track that IP address to your agency?

Did you think we wouldn’t call you on it?

Did you think… AT ALL?

xoxo,
Gabriel, Darcy,  Chris, Marleigh, Blair, Jon, SeanMike and Stevi

Dear PR Flack:

We’re insanely curious whether you’re actually affiliated with the brand you contacted us about — perhaps you’re an overzealous fan engaged in some sort of guerrilla campaign?

Your omigod Valley Girl syntax and loose grasp of proper style — why is “belvedere” lowercase but “Sake” capitalized? — make us wonder whether you’re legit, as does the fact that you’re contacting us from your personal Gmail account.

More head-scratchers: You claim to be “a really big fan” of our site, but don’t know our names. You claim the brand is based in San Francisco, when they’re not. And to top it all off, you’ve apparently confused us with someone who maintains a gluten-free product database. Really, you’ve outdone yourself here.

If you are indeed this company’s PR rep, you might want to reconsider this sort of unprofessional outreach. It certainly isn’t in line with the upscale branding we’re seeing elsewhere for their product.

xoxo,
- Anita & Cameron

Dear PR Flack:

I don’t even know where to start on your trainwreck of a pitch.

But let’s begin with a little mixology tutorial. Blending herbs or fruit into a cocktail is muddling not “muttling”. When a drink is served on the stem, it’s known as up, not “op.” I’m pretty sure “patron” is a proper noun (not to mention the missing accent over the o). And then there’s poor “caipirinia” — I’ve got to hand it to you there: I think you managed three different misspellings in a single word! I know foreign languages can be awfully tricky, but would it have killed you to look it up?

Garnish with a dash of random capitalization, a liberal dusting of extraneous commas, and a twist of utterly bizarre syntax. Mm, delicious!

Lastly: It may have escaped your grasp, but our San Francisco-based blog doesn’t generally cover Upper West Side bars, especially any that have the gall to charge $38 for a “martini” … made with (wait for it) tequila, that traditional martini spirit.

And thanks, too, for sending your message twice — complete with three giant, out-of-focus photo attachments. We always find that super helpful.

xoxo,
- Anita & Cameron

Dear PR Flack:

Believe me, I get a LOT of random pitches, but yours has to be the absolute worst.

Perhaps it escaped your grasp on your whirlwind tour of my site: It’s a FOOD blog. Or perhaps you never bothered to do even a stitch of research before you spam-pitched me?

I have never written about golf, sports tournaments, or athletic events of any kind. Especially ones in China. I can only hope your clients are aware of your thoroughly shoddy methods, and how you are damaging their reputation.

xoxo,
- The Foodie

Dear PR Flack:

I have asked you, politely — six times since April 2008, according to my Sent Mail folder — to remove our San Francisco-based blog from your list of Pittsburgh pitches. As recently as two days ago, you apologized and said it would never happen again.

Since you can’t or won’t target your pitches appropriately, I will be marking your (multiple) email domains, and those of all your clients, as spam.

xoxo,
- Anita