Dear PR Flack,

Thanks so much for the vote of confidence. It’s been my highest ambition to be lauded as “an awesome food blogger” by someone who can’t even be bothered to type my name into a form letter. Because you’re clearly an awesome flack, I’ll say this nicely, for the second time: Please take us off your list. We do not cover financial topics, no matter how tangentially related to food.

(And seriously? “Lemme know”? Srsly?)

xoxo,
~ Us

Dear PR Flack,

Thanks for your message. My name isn’t Alex, but I’d love to see his blog since you say it’s one of your faves.

xoxo,
~ David

Dear PR Flack:

Thanks for your pitch, the one that started “Dear Friendly Blogger.”

Actually, I’m decidedly unfriendly when flaky PR people can’t be troubled to look up my name or figure out if I write about “food and/or healthy living”. It’s not hard to personalize a pitch, but I suppose that would be too much … work?

You want something from me, but yet you can’t be bothered to do the most basic research, or give the most basic courtesy? Please.

For the record, I am also not one of your “blogger friends”, nor are the dozens of people laughing at your rude spam-pitch on Twitter this morning. You need to figure out how to pitch appropriately; you’re alienating writers who might otherwise be sympathetic to your service.

Please take me off your list immediately.

xoxo,
~ Anita

Dear PR Flack,

“The Advertent Gardener” isn’t the name of my blog, much like your client’s business isn’t called “Teak, Wicker & Less”.

xoxo,
- Genie

Dear PR Flack:

We’re insanely curious whether you’re actually affiliated with the brand you contacted us about — perhaps you’re an overzealous fan engaged in some sort of guerrilla campaign?

Your omigod Valley Girl syntax and loose grasp of proper style — why is “belvedere” lowercase but “Sake” capitalized? — make us wonder whether you’re legit, as does the fact that you’re contacting us from your personal Gmail account.

More head-scratchers: You claim to be “a really big fan” of our site, but don’t know our names. You claim the brand is based in San Francisco, when they’re not. And to top it all off, you’ve apparently confused us with someone who maintains a gluten-free product database. Really, you’ve outdone yourself here.

If you are indeed this company’s PR rep, you might want to reconsider this sort of unprofessional outreach. It certainly isn’t in line with the upscale branding we’re seeing elsewhere for their product.

xoxo,
- Anita & Cameron

Dear PR Flack:

I didn’t reply to your earlier message because, frankly, it looked like spam, or at the very least a massive form letter. One example: Legitimate PR inquiries generally address their recipients by name.

If that wasn’t enough to set off alarm bells, I couldn’t figure out why you’d consider me “one of 20 creative mobile users” to play with your client’s new phone. Maybe you can connect the dots for me?

I’m a professional writer and photographer; I’m not in the habit of creating content for large multinational corporations without compensation. Your offer of a two-week smartphone trial “cover[ing] all postage costs” (um, gosh, how generous!) is perplexing, to say the least. Do you work pro-bono?

xoxo,
- Anita

Dear PR Flack:

If you’re really such a fan of my blog, you’d know my name is not Lauren.

xoxo,
- Jennifer

Dear PR Flack,

How ironic that your boss’s most recent blog entry focuses on crafting better pitches. Too bad you didn’t follow his advice!

Here are a few tips you might have missed:

1. Cameron is not our blog’s main writer — he posts about every 3 months, whereas I write multiple times a week — so I am not sure why you are addressing your pitch to him.

2. We write about real food on our blog, so Sandra Lee’s new book is not going to be of interest to our readers.

3. We partner with Amazon AStore, so I can’t imagine why you’d think we’d be interested in sending our readers to [your client's competing site].

If you can’t be troubled to do even the most basic research, we can’t be troubled to read your pitches. Please remove us from your firm’s contact list immediately.

xoxo,
- Anita (and Cameron)

Dear PR Flack:

No, I don’t know how many people open my e-mails, but I do know that if they open them they’ll find me calling them by their name, rather than someone else’s name.

As you say in the body of your pitch, people definitely rather like it when an e-mail is addressed to them. Especially one proclaiming to be from an organization that can help you to deliver better e-mail pitches. Mr. Creamer is a wonderful, accomplished chap I’m sure. But I go by Mr. Bloom. Or, even better — for that “personal” touch — you can call me Jonah.

xoxo,
- Jonah

Dear PR Flack:

1) I’m not sure you sent this “Dear editor” email to the right place: I’m not an editor, and I do have a name. It’s pretty easy to find, too, at the top of every post.

2) When you say “I am following up on a pitch letter I sent you a few days ago”, you might want to check that you actually did pitch me before. You didn’t. And thank god for that.

3) Do you see any recipes on our site that call for crappy HFCS- and transfat-riddled candy bars? No? Oh, see, that’s because we write about real food. So why the hell did you send me this pitch?

4) I’m looking at your firm’s Code of Ethics. Does spam-pitching fall under “acting as responsible advocates for those we represent”?

5) If you can’t be bothered to do the most basic research, I have no interest in hearing about your clients’ news. Please remove me from your contact list.

xoxo,
- Anita