Dear PR Flack,

Starting a pitch with an easily debunked lie is probably not the best practice.

If you really had read our blog, you’d notice the following important tidbits that could have helped you craft a successful pitch, or — more appropriately — bypass us all together.

1. We don’t buy into to the idea of so-called “healthy” recipes that use fake foods like light cream cheese.
2. We don’t follow a low-fat diet, and anyone who does is probably not a “follower” of our site. Even the first page of the blog makes this abundantly clear. Cheesy, buttery risotto; spreadable spicy salami; braised short ribs; foie gras; chorizo paella — do those sound like low-fat choices to you?
3. We very clearly state on our About page: “We never use or recommend national brands when a locally made alternative exists.” And we’ve written about local [food items of this kind] on our site numerous times.

I’m sure [your agency] has some fabulous clients that we’d have been happy to hear about. But if your account reps can’t be troubled to undertake the most cursory research before sending out blanket emails, we can’t be bothered to read your spam.

Please take us off your agency’s contact list immediately.

~ Anita & Cameron

cc: agency’s regional director, client’s inside PR team

Dear PR Flack,

I hate to be rude, but it’s obvious that you didn’t spend a single moment targeting today’s pitch for your client’s “new convenient flavors” of CAFO torture sausage.

If you’d read even the first page of posts on our blog — or even, gosh, the About page — you’d notice that our blog focuses on sustainable, humane, local food choices. we do not eat, nor do we recommend, factory-farmed meat.

Maybe you didn’t get the message the last time I asked to be removed from from your firm’s contact list., so I’ll say it again: I have no interest in working with agencies who use spam-pitching as a substitute for actual PR work.

xoxo,
~ Anita

Dear PR Flack,

I’m so glad you found my experiment about curing and air-drying skirt steak so deeply moving. I’m sure that eating more of my nitrate-laced raw meat will help your women lose weight during their 30-day crash diet much more efficiently. Good luck with that.

xoxo,
~ Morgan

Dear PR Flack,

Thanks for your kind suggestion that we share your pitch about the America’s Best Restroom Awards with our “online audience”.

As you might imagine, our readers are not interested in discussions of toilets, award-winning or otherwise, on our food blog.

xoxo,
~ Anita

Dear PR Flack:

Ahem, you just suggested I write about pork on my vegetarian blog. Never mind that I’m Jewish.

xoxo,
~ Ari

Dear PR Flack:

I’m not sure what about my blog about cooking my way through the Alinea Cookbook gave you the impression that your missive about “the most buzzed about Grill cleaning gadgets on the market” was an appropriate pitch to send me.

You may also want to consider having someone in the office proofread emails like this before they go out. The message you sent has quite a few typos and grammatical errors — things reporters and bloggers consider when determining a product’s credibility.

xoxo,
~ Carol

Dear PR Flack:

Thanks for your pitch, the one that started “Dear Friendly Blogger.”

Actually, I’m decidedly unfriendly when flaky PR people can’t be troubled to look up my name or figure out if I write about “food and/or healthy living”. It’s not hard to personalize a pitch, but I suppose that would be too much … work?

You want something from me, but yet you can’t be bothered to do the most basic research, or give the most basic courtesy? Please.

For the record, I am also not one of your “blogger friends”, nor are the dozens of people laughing at your rude spam-pitch on Twitter this morning. You need to figure out how to pitch appropriately; you’re alienating writers who might otherwise be sympathetic to your service.

Please take me off your list immediately.

xoxo,
~ Anita

Dear PR Flack,

I’m not sure where you got the idea that I’d be “still writing about the South Beach Wine & Food Festival”, since we’ve never covered it, nor any event of its kind.

And I’m further puzzled why you’d think that we’d care even an eensy-teeny bit about your client’s “water sommeliers”, given that we’re firmly in the “bottled water is bad for the environment” camp.

But hey, thanks for your pitch.

xoxo,
~Anita

Dear PR Flack:

No, a five-part Jewish chef series at Temple Israel is not a “perfect fit” for Chez Pim. (Not that’s anything wrong with it…)

xoxo,
~ Pim

Dear PR Flack:

Thank for your note about your client’s low-carb snack foods, and your offer to send me samples. But I’m wondering why you sent it to me. I live in France, and write mostly about chocolate, bread and pastries, which I don’t think are on the South Beach Diet.

xoxo,
~ David