Dear PR Flack:

Thank for your note about your client’s low-carb snack foods, and your offer to send me samples. But I’m wondering why you sent it to me. I live in France, and write mostly about chocolate, bread and pastries, which I don’t think are on the South Beach Diet.

xoxo,
~ David

Dear PR Flack:

We’re insanely curious whether you’re actually affiliated with the brand you contacted us about — perhaps you’re an overzealous fan engaged in some sort of guerrilla campaign?

Your omigod Valley Girl syntax and loose grasp of proper style — why is “belvedere” lowercase but “Sake” capitalized? — make us wonder whether you’re legit, as does the fact that you’re contacting us from your personal Gmail account.

More head-scratchers: You claim to be “a really big fan” of our site, but don’t know our names. You claim the brand is based in San Francisco, when they’re not. And to top it all off, you’ve apparently confused us with someone who maintains a gluten-free product database. Really, you’ve outdone yourself here.

If you are indeed this company’s PR rep, you might want to reconsider this sort of unprofessional outreach. It certainly isn’t in line with the upscale branding we’re seeing elsewhere for their product.

xoxo,
- Anita & Cameron

Dear PR Flack:

I didn’t reply to your earlier message because, frankly, it looked like spam, or at the very least a massive form letter. One example: Legitimate PR inquiries generally address their recipients by name.

If that wasn’t enough to set off alarm bells, I couldn’t figure out why you’d consider me “one of 20 creative mobile users” to play with your client’s new phone. Maybe you can connect the dots for me?

I’m a professional writer and photographer; I’m not in the habit of creating content for large multinational corporations without compensation. Your offer of a two-week smartphone trial “cover[ing] all postage costs” (um, gosh, how generous!) is perplexing, to say the least. Do you work pro-bono?

xoxo,
- Anita

Dear PR Flack:

Since I write a food and travel blog about Italy, I’m not really sure why you’d think I’d be in the market for your client’s cruise-related content.

I’m glad to know that — if the muse ever deserts me — you “have a team of writers available that can write articles”. For now, though, I think I’ve got that pretty well covered on my own, thanks. I’ll have to pass up the opportunity to work with your “team” this time.

xoxo,
- Sara

Dear PR Flack:

I don’t even know where to start on your trainwreck of a pitch.

But let’s begin with a little mixology tutorial. Blending herbs or fruit into a cocktail is muddling not “muttling”. When a drink is served on the stem, it’s known as up, not “op.” I’m pretty sure “patron” is a proper noun (not to mention the missing accent over the o). And then there’s poor “caipirinia” — I’ve got to hand it to you there: I think you managed three different misspellings in a single word! I know foreign languages can be awfully tricky, but would it have killed you to look it up?

Garnish with a dash of random capitalization, a liberal dusting of extraneous commas, and a twist of utterly bizarre syntax. Mm, delicious!

Lastly: It may have escaped your grasp, but our San Francisco-based blog doesn’t generally cover Upper West Side bars, especially any that have the gall to charge $38 for a “martini” … made with (wait for it) tequila, that traditional martini spirit.

And thanks, too, for sending your message twice — complete with three giant, out-of-focus photo attachments. We always find that super helpful.

xoxo,
- Anita & Cameron

Dear PR Flack:

So why, exactly, would our cocktail blog readers be interested in some random chef’s new Australian-food mail-order website?

Yeah, we’re not sure, either.

xoxo,
- The Cocktailians

Dear PR Flack:

Believe me, I get a LOT of random pitches, but yours has to be the absolute worst.

Perhaps it escaped your grasp on your whirlwind tour of my site: It’s a FOOD blog. Or perhaps you never bothered to do even a stitch of research before you spam-pitched me?

I have never written about golf, sports tournaments, or athletic events of any kind. Especially ones in China. I can only hope your clients are aware of your thoroughly shoddy methods, and how you are damaging their reputation.

xoxo,
- The Foodie

Dear PR Flack:

I have asked you, politely — six times since April 2008, according to my Sent Mail folder — to remove our San Francisco-based blog from your list of Pittsburgh pitches. As recently as two days ago, you apologized and said it would never happen again.

Since you can’t or won’t target your pitches appropriately, I will be marking your (multiple) email domains, and those of all your clients, as spam.

xoxo,
- Anita

Dear PR Flack:

Please don’t pitch columnists (like me) on topics we write nothing about. It’s useless and just pisses us off.

xoxo,
- Hollis

Dear PR Flack:

That phone call we just had? Um, y’know, the one where you? asked me? the food blogger? to review your client’s organic spa line? And wouldn’t stop uptalking? And couldn’t figure out the name of my blog? And interrupted me?

Are you, like, fucking kidding me?

It took every last ounce of self-control I had not to hop a plane to Boston this afternoon and bitch-slap you myself.

xoxo,
- Carol

——

::: ring ::::

::: ring ::::

Me: Hello?

Male voice speaking very quickly, but also uptalking: Hi, this is [NAME said too quickly to catch it]? from [PR FIRM] in Boston? and we are calling to confirm? that this is Carol? from The French Review web site? and we were following up to see if you were interested in writing a story? on your Thomas Keller French Review blog? about our organic spa line?

Me: (pause) I think you may have the wrong number; would you mind repeating that?

Male voice: I was just wondering? if this is Carol? from the French Review blog site? and if she was interested? in writing a review about the organic spa line? we emailed about last night?

Me: I believe you have the wrong number.

Male: But, like you write the Thomas Keller French Review food blog? right?

Me: No. I write a blog called French Laundry at Home, in which I cook every recipe in The French Laundry Cookbook and write about it, and…

Male: (interrupting) Right, the French Review food blog.

Me: Did you just interrupt me? First you call with the most inane, non-targeted, uptalking request, and then you have the nerve to interrupt me when I’m trying to clarify something for you and perhaps help you along your merry way?

Male: (silence)

Me: Take me off your list. I have your firm’s name and number on my Caller ID, and if I ever get another call like this from you, I’ll contact the Better Business Bureau, PRSA, and the Boston Globe to let them know what a crap shop you’re running. Understand?

Male: But can I at least confirm that you write the French Review Thomas Keller food blog site?

Me: Are you fucking kidding me? No. No, I do not write that site.

Male: But then… um…

Me: Bye-bye now.

:::: Click ::::