Dear PR Flack,

Thanks so much for the vote of confidence. It’s been my highest ambition to be lauded as “an awesome food blogger” by someone who can’t even be bothered to type my name into a form letter. Because you’re clearly an awesome flack, I’ll say this nicely, for the second time: Please take us off your list. We do not cover financial topics, no matter how tangentially related to food.

(And seriously? “Lemme know”? Srsly?)

xoxo,
~ Us

Dear PR Flack:

Thanks for your pitch, the one that started “Dear Friendly Blogger.”

Actually, I’m decidedly unfriendly when flaky PR people can’t be troubled to look up my name or figure out if I write about “food and/or healthy living”. It’s not hard to personalize a pitch, but I suppose that would be too much … work?

You want something from me, but yet you can’t be bothered to do the most basic research, or give the most basic courtesy? Please.

For the record, I am also not one of your “blogger friends”, nor are the dozens of people laughing at your rude spam-pitch on Twitter this morning. You need to figure out how to pitch appropriately; you’re alienating writers who might otherwise be sympathetic to your service.

Please take me off your list immediately.

xoxo,
~ Anita

Dear PR Flack:

If you send me a press release and I don’t bite, it’s a good bet that slightly rewording it and resending it won’t work either.

Oh, and also: Sending me image-file press releases with spelling errors and big JPEG artifacts doesn’t get you 86ed, but doesn’t help either.

xoxo,
~ Sam

Dear PR Flack:

Did you really think that comment-spamming every post you could find that mentioned your client’s competitor would really endear you to the cocktail-blogging community?

Did you think this was a good way to get the word out?

Did you think we couldn’t track that IP address to your agency?

Did you think we wouldn’t call you on it?

Did you think… AT ALL?

xoxo,
Gabriel, Darcy,  Chris, Marleigh, Blair, Jon, SeanMike and Stevi

Dear PR Flack:

Please don’t pitch columnists (like me) on topics we write nothing about. It’s useless and just pisses us off.

xoxo,
- Hollis

Dear PR Flack-Boss:

Before you came to work here, I never had to make bullshit PR events/releases out of lies and nothingness. Just so you know.

xoxo,
- superbadgirl

Dear PR Flack:

An embargo on hot story is OK with lead time to prepare, but handing to me at 5pm with an 8am expiration is pointless.

xoxo,
- Julio

Dear PR Flack:

That phone call we just had? Um, y’know, the one where you? asked me? the food blogger? to review your client’s organic spa line? And wouldn’t stop uptalking? And couldn’t figure out the name of my blog? And interrupted me?

Are you, like, fucking kidding me?

It took every last ounce of self-control I had not to hop a plane to Boston this afternoon and bitch-slap you myself.

xoxo,
- Carol

——

::: ring ::::

::: ring ::::

Me: Hello?

Male voice speaking very quickly, but also uptalking: Hi, this is [NAME said too quickly to catch it]? from [PR FIRM] in Boston? and we are calling to confirm? that this is Carol? from The French Review web site? and we were following up to see if you were interested in writing a story? on your Thomas Keller French Review blog? about our organic spa line?

Me: (pause) I think you may have the wrong number; would you mind repeating that?

Male voice: I was just wondering? if this is Carol? from the French Review blog site? and if she was interested? in writing a review about the organic spa line? we emailed about last night?

Me: I believe you have the wrong number.

Male: But, like you write the Thomas Keller French Review food blog? right?

Me: No. I write a blog called French Laundry at Home, in which I cook every recipe in The French Laundry Cookbook and write about it, and…

Male: (interrupting) Right, the French Review food blog.

Me: Did you just interrupt me? First you call with the most inane, non-targeted, uptalking request, and then you have the nerve to interrupt me when I’m trying to clarify something for you and perhaps help you along your merry way?

Male: (silence)

Me: Take me off your list. I have your firm’s name and number on my Caller ID, and if I ever get another call like this from you, I’ll contact the Better Business Bureau, PRSA, and the Boston Globe to let them know what a crap shop you’re running. Understand?

Male: But can I at least confirm that you write the French Review Thomas Keller food blog site?

Me: Are you fucking kidding me? No. No, I do not write that site.

Male: But then… um…

Me: Bye-bye now.

:::: Click ::::

Dear PR Flack:

1) I’m not sure you sent this “Dear editor” email to the right place: I’m not an editor, and I do have a name. It’s pretty easy to find, too, at the top of every post.

2) When you say “I am following up on a pitch letter I sent you a few days ago”, you might want to check that you actually did pitch me before. You didn’t. And thank god for that.

3) Do you see any recipes on our site that call for crappy HFCS- and transfat-riddled candy bars? No? Oh, see, that’s because we write about real food. So why the hell did you send me this pitch?

4) I’m looking at your firm’s Code of Ethics. Does spam-pitching fall under “acting as responsible advocates for those we represent”?

5) If you can’t be bothered to do the most basic research, I have no interest in hearing about your clients’ news. Please remove me from your contact list.

xoxo,
- Anita

Dear PR Flack:

This is the second time I’ve received this pitch from you — there was no news value the first time, and just changing the font and adding a logo doesn’t make it any more newsworthy, in case you were wondering. At the very least, you could have spent your time strengthening the writing or building a stronger pitch with actual news value, but I’m sad to see that didn’t happen.

Take it from someone who has been doing public relations and media relations for the past 20 years and has owned her own successful public affairs firm since 2001, emails like this give the entire profession a bad name.

xoxo,
- Carol