Dear PR Flack…

Dear PR Flack:

Thanks for your pitch, the one that started “Dear Friendly Blogger.”

Actually, I’m decidedly unfriendly when flaky PR people can’t be troubled to look up my name or figure out if I write about “food and/or healthy living”. It’s not hard to personalize a pitch, but I suppose that would be too much … work?

You want something from me, but yet you can’t be bothered to do the most basic research, or give the most basic courtesy? Please.

For the record, I am also not one of your “blogger friends”, nor are the dozens of people laughing at your rude spam-pitch on Twitter this morning. You need to figure out how to pitch appropriately; you’re alienating writers who might otherwise be sympathetic to your service.

Please take me off your list immediately.

xoxo,
~ Anita

Dear PR Flack,

I’m not sure where you got the idea that I’d be “still writing about the South Beach Wine & Food Festival”, since we’ve never covered it, nor any event of its kind.

And I’m further puzzled why you’d think that we’d care even an eensy-teeny bit about your client’s “water sommeliers”, given that we’re firmly in the “bottled water is bad for the environment” camp.

But hey, thanks for your pitch.

xoxo,
~Anita

Dear PR Flack:

If you send me a press release and I don’t bite, it’s a good bet that slightly rewording it and resending it won’t work either.

Oh, and also: Sending me image-file press releases with spelling errors and big JPEG artifacts doesn’t get you 86ed, but doesn’t help either.

xoxo,
~ Sam

Dear PR Flack:

No, a five-part Jewish chef series at Temple Israel is not a “perfect fit” for Chez Pim. (Not that’s anything wrong with it…)

xoxo,
~ Pim

Dear PR Flack,

“The Advertent Gardener” isn’t the name of my blog, much like your client’s business isn’t called “Teak, Wicker & Less”.

xoxo,
- Genie

Dear PR Flack:

Thank for your note about your client’s low-carb snack foods, and your offer to send me samples. But I’m wondering why you sent it to me. I live in France, and write mostly about chocolate, bread and pastries, which I don’t think are on the South Beach Diet.

xoxo,
~ David

Dear PR Flack:

When a journalist (OK, yes, that would be moi) doesn’t show up for a scheduled conference call, did you ever think about calling to see if maybe he got the time wrong? Even those of us who are seasoned pros sometimes mangle our East Coast and West Coast time zones.

What is the possible use of waiting twenty minutes and then sending an e-mail? Not everyone’s e-mails arrive instantaneously, you know. Why would I blow off an interview I requested? You’ve wasted my time and the time of your source.

xoxo,
- Imperfect but Still Interested

Dear PR Flack:

Did you really think that comment-spamming every post you could find that mentioned your client’s competitor would really endear you to the cocktail-blogging community?

Did you think this was a good way to get the word out?

Did you think we couldn’t track that IP address to your agency?

Did you think we wouldn’t call you on it?

Did you think… AT ALL?

xoxo,
Gabriel, Darcy,  Chris, Marleigh, Blair, Jon, SeanMike and Stevi

Dear PR Flack:

We’re insanely curious whether you’re actually affiliated with the brand you contacted us about — perhaps you’re an overzealous fan engaged in some sort of guerrilla campaign?

Your omigod Valley Girl syntax and loose grasp of proper style — why is “belvedere” lowercase but “Sake” capitalized? — make us wonder whether you’re legit, as does the fact that you’re contacting us from your personal Gmail account.

More head-scratchers: You claim to be “a really big fan” of our site, but don’t know our names. You claim the brand is based in San Francisco, when they’re not. And to top it all off, you’ve apparently confused us with someone who maintains a gluten-free product database. Really, you’ve outdone yourself here.

If you are indeed this company’s PR rep, you might want to reconsider this sort of unprofessional outreach. It certainly isn’t in line with the upscale branding we’re seeing elsewhere for their product.

xoxo,
- Anita & Cameron

Dear PR Flack:

I didn’t reply to your earlier message because, frankly, it looked like spam, or at the very least a massive form letter. One example: Legitimate PR inquiries generally address their recipients by name.

If that wasn’t enough to set off alarm bells, I couldn’t figure out why you’d consider me “one of 20 creative mobile users” to play with your client’s new phone. Maybe you can connect the dots for me?

I’m a professional writer and photographer; I’m not in the habit of creating content for large multinational corporations without compensation. Your offer of a two-week smartphone trial “cover[ing] all postage costs” (um, gosh, how generous!) is perplexing, to say the least. Do you work pro-bono?

xoxo,
- Anita